A Self Love Journey

Hi beauties! Mae here + I wanted to share something with you that I've been working on for a while.  I've privately been on a self-love journey that sometimes pops up on my Instagram feed but it hasn't been easy. If you follow our Crybaby Instagram then you saw Natalie's cute little mama booty post + she inspired me to open up about my insecurities.  

SO, This is my reality...

After I gave birth to my son I had lost all the weight and got down to a size 8 -which was one pant size bigger than pre-baby- when all of a sudden I ballooned back up to the 30lbs I had gained while pregnant +30lbs more.  My family is from a different culture and country where women my size are small and petite.  My whole life I've been the "fattest" girl out of all my female cousins.  I've always been too heavy and very curvy.  I was also really athletic in high school so curves + muscle= ...yeah.  

Post baby, I was heavier than I had ever been in my entire life.  I stopped showing up to family parties and didn't dare look up from the ground when I did go, because all I ever heard was how fat I was or catch glances from people thinking about how much I had let myself go.... But not a lot of people who knew me and even the ones that did ever bothered to ask why.  Not a lot of people know that two weeks after my 23rd birthday I gave birth to my son and five months after he was born, my dad had passed away due to a terminal illness.  That all happened before his 50th birthday, all before Thanksgiving 2009.  I was also going through a traumatic breakup and going to court to get full custody of my son (and I was 100% successful in that. HOORAY).  Instead of drinking it all away or drugging it up... I ate.  I stopped working out and just ate and zombied out for 3 years.  Losing too much at once among other life obstacles gave me this belly.  I didn't have this belly postpartum.  My boobs were also 2 sizes smaller, but that's another story I won't scare you off with.  With a young life filled with major sports related injuries, a few too many car accidents (not all my fault) and using my body as a workhorse instead of treating it like the temple that it is, I now have degenerative disc disease.  I recently lost 32lbs, which has helped in many ways and I'm still on a journey-to-be-fit as well as teaching myself self-love, but it's been a very slow and very daunting process.  

I wanted to share this photo because I am all about my #selflove movement, and I want others to join in on, but also because it's still pretty clear that society as a whole still judge books by their covers.  

I've been so wrapped up in myself for so many years and focused on being a mom and trying to put my life back together that I recently thought dating would be a cure all.  I met two guys via the Internet and we never met in person and as much as I wanted it to help me, those guys didn't and that's because I don't need them to prove to myself that I'm beautiful.  One day a guy will come along and love my big flabby momma belly among everything else I have to offer, but for now I need to embrace it and love my big flabby belly all on my own, so that is what I am doing, and that is where I am right now.

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